Jim asked me why I cry, and he said there is a reason. I know this is kinda goofy but, I took a piece of paper and at the top I wrote "Why I Cry," and then I just wrote the first things that popped into my head. I'm going to write it all in here, not because I really care for anyone to know, I just need to put it somewhere...

"I'm alone. I want to be loved. I feel empty. I have a lot of dreams and no plans. One big destination but no sense of direction. I'm fat. Really fat. I hate going clothes shopping, I can't fit into anything. I want real. I'm fake. I lie ot everyone, even myself. Maybe if I was honest I wouldn't cry but I don't like to hurt people and I don't like confict. I have unreasonable expectations of everything. Seriously everything. I can't take things for what they are. I want excitment, love, happiness. I wish I was in a band. I wish I could sing. I wish I could play bass guitar or drums. Jim always says I don't love him, that makes me cry. I want a guy to love me. They either just want to bone me or they're creepy. At the same time, I'm afraid of commitment. I want self confidence. I don't do anything to better myself...ever. I knnow I should. I'm going to graduate in a year and I'm clueless. My grades suck and I'm poor. God I wish I was in a band. I wish we had a new theater teacher. I wish I could be happy. My life does not suck it could be a lot worse, so why can't I be happy? I refuse to graduate high school and still be a virgin. I know it seems stupid but that's just me. I say I want self confidence but, what is there to be confident about? I'm just average/less than average person. I'm not soecial. I'm not a "beautiful or unique snowflake." I have really bad hair. It looks like the way David Lee Roth's hair is now. I need braces, I need a nose job, I need lypo, I need a boob lift. I hate people who are smaller than me that complain about how fat they are. I'm sure people bigger than me say the same thing. Jonathan makes me feel pretty. I know that's stupid. I'm so boring. I'm so pathetic. That's why I'm alone. God! I'n so fucking lonely! I just want to be loved. I think I shut people out. I do that because my problems aren't important, they're not problems. I'm just a stupid bitch who cana't appreciate all the good things in my life. But I do. I love so much. I love life. I just don't feel it's mutual. What am I going to go with my life? I'm so scared. SO scared. I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of change, I'm scared of chance, but at the same time, I'm scared of regret, of not experiencing life. My life is a contradiction. I don't have any memories. Everyone has stories and memories. I don't have any. All my stories are other people's stories. I have nothing of my own. It's all other people's lives or lives I amde up and wish for. I am nothing. Stripped down, you'd see nothing, colorless. I let other people pour their paint on my canvas and I'm to scared to pick up the brush myself. I wish I was the party girl. I need love. I need a band. I need to lose weight. I need to feel. What am I doing?"

sorry that was so long, it's pointless, just needed to put it somewhere.

"So I listen to you complain and then, I bite my tongue in vain again, As I let it all just slowly settle in...Well,I'm staring out my window, Wondering what it is that I should have said..."

All hail the beautiful Jennifer Tilly!

God, seriously, I love her. I wish I was her. I wish I had her voice, her boobs, and her nose. She's so curvy and pretty and cute!








tehe, even the doll is adorable!


amd a good excuse to put gina in here...









gina! jennifer! why don'ti own bound?

you ever want something that you've never wanted before, so you don't know if it's really something you want? realisticly speaking, you should try that thing that you want, to see if it really is what you wanted but...i won't. i can't. i can't risk hurting people just so i can check to see if i want what i have a "craving" for...

sorry, i'm babbling....

I didn't ask
They shouldn't have told me
At first I'd laugh, but now
It's sinking in fast
Whatever they've sold me
Well baby I don't want to take advice from fools
I'll just figure everything is cool
Until I hear it from you
It gets hard
The memory's faded
Who gets what they say
It's likely they're just jealous and jaded
Well maybe I don't want to take advice from fools
I'll just figure everything is cool
Until I hear it from you
Until I hear it from you
I can't let it get me off
Or break up my train of thought
As far as I know, nothing's wrong
Until I hear it from you
Still thinking about not living without it
Outside looking in
Til we're talking about it, not stepping around it
Maybe I don't want to take advice from fools
I'll just figure everything is cool
Until I hear it from you...

I had tons o fun tonight. I really did, I need to go to Jessica's (and Dustin's) more often. Even when I was sitting on the trapolean (sp?) and the dumb trashed white boys started jumping on it and I went flying I was happy. It was fun. Even all the bug bites, because it was fun to complain. fun, fun, fun. And Tori learned for the first time, how to jump on a trampolean (sp?). Isn't that exciting? I thought so.

Oh, and lastnight I was having mild heart attacks and laughing because I thought people were coming to kill us at Tori's, anyways....

fun fun fun.

I LOVE YOU JESSICA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



*sings badly* I'll make love to you, like you want me to!

ok, g'night!

people probably read my journal and see my entries about my emotionalness, and then see the nice comments people leave me and probably think i'm some sort of attention whore, just wanting attention and that it's all bullshit. but i don't. i don't write the things i write so people will respond and pity me, i write it because i need to get it out.

jonathan's so sweet by the way. i'm this stupid fucking bitch to him and he doesn't even lose his temper or anything, and he puts things back together and everything...and i'm not just writing this because he's standing behind me, i mean it. but...sometimes the reason i get upset is because i think of what he thinks of me. i think he thinks i'm pathetic, and i think i irritate him beyond belief, and i don't know why he puts up with me...whatever, i love him, even though i don't think he loves me, no matter how many times he says it.

I just watched "Moulin Rouge!" god, i forgot how much i love that movie, it's been so long since i watched it. ok, now i'm in a mr mood, so...



I follow the night
Can't stand the light
When will I begin to live again

One day I'll fly away
Leave all this to yesterday
What more could your love do for me
When will love be through with me
Why live life from dream to dream
And dread the day when dreaming ends

One day I'll fly away
Leave all this to yesterday
Why live life from dream to dream
And dread the day when dreaming ends

One day I'll fly away
Fly fly away...



alos, um, please don't think that i think my life sucks, i don't. i realize i ahve a great life, i know i have it easy, which is why it doesn't make sense to me that i'm getting so emotional over nothing, that's why it scares me, there's no reason for my actions...anyways, i just thought that needed to be said...

 

and my life doesn't suck, i have a great life, nobody is hurting me in any way....which why it doesn't make sense to me why i cant be happy...

I'm pathetic. I really am. I'm sick or something, I don't know what's wrong with me and it scares me. Today I got really emotional and started screaming, crying, and throwing shit for no reason. I don't get it. And then later Jonathan was playing around with me, but for some reason it pissed me off and  started throwing whatever I could find at him, then I threw  the stupid TV tray over and ran out the door. I walked around the yard for a while hopping it would do some good, but then I came back in and started looking for something, I don't really want to say what, but I wasn't going to use it, I just wanted to know it was there. I would never use it, I'm to weak and scared.

anyways, I just don't want to be like this. I don't want to be this person who drives people away and is fucking crazy. I don't want to be this. God, I'm such a bitch. Such a fucking bitch. And I AM weak, and I AM stupid, and I AM pathetic, and yes I am emotionally fucked. and I fucking hate it! I just want it all to stop. How the fuck did I become like this? I never use to be like this. fuck.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I really am. I'm sorry, I'm sorry for everything. I'm so sorry. I just can't.